Friday, June 21, 2013

Climbing Out of Darkness

I'm a little broody today. Today is the Climb Out of Darkness for PPD. I'm not sure where I'll do my climb, but I feel like it's an important thing for me to do. I've walked a hard road since Cooper was born. I'm in a good place but there were days that I felt I was clawing my way out and would tumble back down, bruised, battered, and feeling broken.

I realized today that I have taken a shower everyday for over a month. It might not seem like much but one of the biggest red flags to me was that I didn't care if I showered or not. I used to care A LOT about my daily shower. And now I'm back to caring.  My laundry is also caught up.  No small feat for a working momma who hates to put laundry away.  But the day I called to make an appointment with my doctor was the day I realized it had been 6 weeks since I'd done laundry because the intrusive thoughts from walking down into my basement had me paralyzed with anxiety and fear. 

I am not completely over PPD. I think I'll carry the scars for the rest of my life. I'll never be able to think on Cooper's birth and the first year of his life without a little bit of sadness that I waited too long to get help. I wish someone would have noticed or asked me about how I was coping. I wish my Midwife wouldn't have brushed me off when I brought up my concerns about PPD. I wish I could have stood up for myself instead of waiting almost a year later to ask for help. And I wish I hadn't looked so put together and fine. I did too good of a job faking it til I made it. And everyone seemed surprised that I was struggling so much.

And my commitment to my fellow mamas is to be brave in sharing my story. And to watch for the small clues that something might not be ok. And then ask about it.  If someone had noticed and said something, I can't help but wonder if I would have sought treatment and help sooner. 

If you want more information on The Climb Out of Darkness or want to know how you can help, you can go check out the scoop at

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